Samsara

I think I can survive off champagne and compliments, I think I’m becoming lighter, I think I’m leaking, I think I’m killing the good and the bad bacteria, I think I’m terribly bored, I think I can call my state “contentment” when I see a green pine in white winter, I think I’m rebuilding and the structure remains a mystery, I think my body needs to take charge, I think I can be happy with what I have, I think I need a whole lot more, I think I’m safe in this room, I think I’ll keep the fire door propped open, I think I’ll wear double layers and wait outside, I think I need to stay on the sidelines, I think I need to be in the throng, I think I destroyed you, I think I’m sinking back into warm & familiar devastation, I think “sorry” isn’t good enough, I think one day I’ll look back on this and smile at its golden-dripping triviality, I think I want to force you into something, I think I need to find a patch of quiet that solves everything, I think I need to be newborn and swaddled, I think I’ll skip dinner, I think I’ll binge cartoons, I think I’ll unplug, I think I’ll weather the storm, I think I’ll let the sleet pummel me raw, I think I’ll sleep all day again, I think I’ll add an extra blanket, I think I can hear from you without falling apart, I think I’ll never get over it, I think you’re a stranger to me now, I think there’s no answer without you, I think this trauma is very old, I think this sorrow goes beyond you and me, I think all I want is your body and redemption, I think I’ll ask just once more, I think I already know the answer, I think I’ll let the clock run out and then beg for more time, I think I want you to be happy no matter what, I think that last one was a lie, I think I’ll burn down your home state, I think I’ll save the helpless creatures, I think I’ll sacrifice myself, I think I’ll take a breath and make a different choice, I think the world is closing in on itself, I think I look weary, I think it’s all wasted on me, I think there’s no more floor to fall through, I think tomorrow will be better, I think I can survive

(2021)

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